Life in Small Bites

Below is a personal experience that I frequently ‘re-visit’ to remind me W.I.N. (What’s Important Now!). I work to continually remind myself that ‘not acting on what I claim to know is really not knowing’.

I was a college freshman sitting in a barber’s chair with an unsightly and irritating case of facial razor burn.  The barber asked, “Why do you shave so close?” I replied, “I want a very smooth face.”

The wise barber counseled, “Don’t you realize that no matter how closely you shave today, tomorrow you are going to have to do it again?”

That day was my last case of razor burn.  The larger lesson was not wasted either.  The greatest lesson arrived when I contemplated the corollary of his advice, “What are some issues that need to be done well because you may not return to them timely, or ever?”

I made a listing:

• First meetings
• Table manners
• Term papers / Exams
• Timely ‘Thank You’s’
• Timely sincere acknowledgements

Since then I have added to my list:

• Monthly business reports
• Public statements, especially issued during times of crisis
• Press interviews   
• Crisis decisions      
• Leadership meetings
• Any decision affecting the well-being of another
• Farewells    
• Termination interviews

What would you add?

Many from my list are related to engagement with others.  This is a useful alert.  Being alert is to be Conscious, Present, and Attentive while engaging with others are key skills of effective Responsible Leadership.

Before a fighter pilot climbs into his aircraft he dons his Fast Pants. These pants (anti-G suit) fitted with air bladders automatically inflate when high G-forces are experienced. The inflated bladders prevent blood from pooling in the lower body and depriving the brain of oxygen-rich blood to help prevent loss of sight and consciousness.

I suggest that Responsible Leaders intentionally don virtual fast pants when they enter a crisis to help them see clearly, avoid tunnel vision, and remain conscious of what’s needed, and what’s not.

What’s important, and what’s not?

The first leg of my virtual fast pants requires me to answer the following questions:

• −  Who should I collaborate with?
• −  What are the 2 to 3 most important issues to resolve in this situation?
• −  What are the most appropriate, timely, and available resources that apply to resolutions? Pulling on the second leg I ask:

1. What are the action priorities?
2. What should I do Now?

19

My memory aid to remind me of these processes:

– Collaborate C – Issues I – Resources R – Priority P – Action A

Collaboratively work Issues with Resources Prioritized for Action

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of your relationships.” – Anthony Robbins

“If you associate with turkeys you will never fly with eagles.” – Brian Tracy

One of my mentors has continually reinforced the principle that it doesn’t matter where you go in life, what you do…it’s who you have beside you.  Most times we don’t choose our family, yet these persons, who care most for us, usually provide the experiential laboratory for what works and what doesn’t in human relationships.  Nurturing and supporting these relationships are key components to our sense of responsibility and service.

We do have choice in choosing our friends.  Making good choices is one of the most important things we can do. The choices we make and how we cultivate and care for these relationships largely determine the success and joy that we experience. 

As stated previously, “If you always live with those that are lame, you yourself will learn to limp.”  Conversely if you surround yourself with persons of integrity, industry, and compassion you will most likely become an active member of a powerful and successful group.

Operating Philosophy

My operating philosophy is to practice “Clear-eyed Optimism”.  I believe that most people are good.  I believe that the overall impact of this philosophy promotes greater opportunities for joy and perceived Universal support.

The few times when I lapsed into an unenlightened and shallow version of this belief, I allowed a person to undermine my success and cause me grief.  The grief would likely have been greatly mitigated had I illuminated the relationship by closer observation of the other’s needs and more clearly sussed out their intentions.  

The French scientist and philosopher, Blaise Pascal, cautions, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.”

My experience has taught me that everyone primarily sees facts from their own perceived best interest, often narrowly defined.  This is not to suggest that being a cynic is preferable, but that “clear-seeing”, allowing that everyone does not share the full “do unto others” operating philosophy requires my full attention.  I must be alert not to confuse personality and charisma with enlightened mutual or public interest.  The caution, “Don’t do business with strangers” applies to all of our relationships, even relatives.

While a full vetting of a stranger’s intentions is usually not possible, I’ve found that an optimistic “eyes-wide-open” approach is most revealing.  Detecting attempts at duplicity or manipulation is easier when I have invited a person into relationship.  A “clear-eyed” relationship, whether with stranger, friend, or family, always starts and ends with effective communication.

Have you ever encountered a person who is so wrapped up in their own thoughts and interests that they allow no time for yours?   

Sometime ago I met a person who was quite accomplished, and very full of themselves.  He went on and on describing in detail his thoughts and feelings, not stopping to consider mine.  When he finally did, his questions took the form of, “Enough about me.  Tell me about you.  What do you think about me?”

What would your experience in this communication cycle be?  Aren’t they still a stranger with unvetted intentions if there is no two-way dialogue?  How eager are you to continue the one-way conversation?  How eager are you to enter into a business or other relationship?

Stephen Covey’s Habit # 5, his principle for empathetic communication from his wonderful book The 7 habits of Highly Effective People, is, Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.  Simply: don’t prescribe without diagnosis.  Covey further counsels, Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I am not going to be influenced by your advice.

My personal formula for Effective Communication and Relationships is: 

A  R  A  C

– A  =  Acknowledgement

– R  =  Respect

– A  =  Appreciation

– C  =  Consideration

– Always start with properly Acknowledging a person’s presence.  This immediately opens the door for exchange. 

– The default position of a new relationship is Respect.  Although trust must be earned, initial respect should be granted.

– Genuine Appreciation for another’s presence and gifts, real and potential, is a blessing to the receiver, and the giver.

– Consideration is an external expression of A,  R, A.  It can be a physical exchange, an appropriate courtesy, a timely follow-up, being a thoughtful listener, or as an earnest deliberator.

My formula is practiced with attempt to first focus on the other’s perspective, but with “eyes-wide-open”.  My goal is to establish a mutually beneficial relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation.  This must become innate for effective Responsible Leadership.

Try this formula first with your family.  They may not be the easiest communication partners, but the rewards are the greatest.

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer

I was angry, bitter, resentful, confused, and exhausted as I walked the aisles of the Bangkok Gem & Jewelry Show. 

My company was providing site and transport security for the precious goods at the bi-annual show. 

The Bangkok Gem & Jewelry Show is one of the largest international exhibitions and markets for diamonds, precious gems, and gold and silver jewelry.  Tens of thousands of dollars are spent by the jewelry merchants on elaborate booths and display areas to attract the international buyers. Hundreds of millions of dollars of jewelry is on display and for sale.

In the 12 hours preceding my walk down the aisle I had been glued to CNN watching the horror of the attacks and collapse of the World Trade Center buildings.

Disbelief and confusion turned to anger.  As a former military man I wanted to don my flight suit, strap-on my bomber, and deliver punishment to those responsible.  But who?  The perpetrators were not members of any nations’ formal military.  America had not been attacked by a nation.  This made it difficult to channel my anger.  Foolishly I let the anger, resentment, and desire for ‘payback’ build.

PIO (Pilot Induced Oscillation):  PIO is a condition where the appropriate aircraft response is compromised due to repeated overcorrections by the pilot.  This can result in temporary or total loss of control of the aircraft.

By the time I arrived at the Gem & Jewelry Show I was bitter and judgmental.   Walking the aisles between the elaborate and expensive booths my unexpressed thoughts were, “How ridiculous!  The ‘real world’ had just changed and all these people are scurrying about hawking bangles that have no utility or relevance to events of the day – the ‘real world’.”

Dutifully I assisted my staff to perform our contracted security services.  All the while the resentment of what I perceived to be ‘the ridiculous’ was growing – a developing PIO.  My judgments were critical of supporting wasting tons of money and energy in marketing hyper-expensive useless merchandise.  I was demanding a meaning and aggressive response.

In mid-morning an important client came to discuss my company’s services.  Again dutifully, I put on my ‘game-face’ and accorded him appropriate respect and courtesy.  This man was concerned about his business and how he might improve his products and service to his international buyers.  My company’s timely and secure transport services were important to his customers.

At some point in our discussion waves of new thinking began to wash over me.  Slowly I began to see this gentleman and his colleague gem and jewelry merchants as partners in a process of bringing beauty and joy to others.  The hyper-expensive useless jewelry that I formerly claimed to be irrelevant was most often given in celebration of achievement, appreciation, or love.  These certainly were not irrelevant ‘end-results’.

Intentionally I coached my judgments and resentments to turn to appreciation.   The world does have horror, ugliness, and tragedy.  It became clear to me that if I focus on these my ability to see beauty is severely diminished.  In this diminished capacity I am less resourceful to take helpful contributing actions or support others who are.

The events of 9/11 in New York were a tragedy by every measure. For me in Bangkok, the personal insights that I realized and nurtured that day, have aided me to stay more resourceful in dealing with personal and organizational crises.  When a crisis or tragedy stimulate anger, resentment, or judgment to strike I work to see the ‘biggest picture’ and move toward resourcefulness. 

I also work to teach this on the sports’ field and in my business operations.  It’s always a challenge – but a worthy one.   Do I always get it right?  Heck no!  But I practice – and practice makes better. 

The intention is not to ‘feel better’ but to give opportunities for better results – in my experience it always does both.

Question & Challenge:  When in your experience have you been in a PIO or have been derailed by anger, resentment, or judgment? 

What was the outcome? 

Describe a different outcome had you converted these corrosive feelings to more resourceful ones.

“The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder; a waif, a nothing, a no-man. Have a purpose in life, and having it, throw such strength of mind and muscle into your work as God has given you.” – Thomas Carlyle

“God gave you gifts. You must give them to the world!!!”