The Viet Nam War was raging. The ‘Tet Offensive’ had just concluded. I was just back from Air Force Boot Camp in Amarillo, TX.
For endless days while training I viewed railroad flatcars rolling by loaded with battle-damaged helicopters. Too many to count. How these broken birds made it all the way from Viet Nam to Amarillo was a logistical mystery. I imagined that for every one that did, dozens didn’t. These images brought home the costs of this war as I imagined the tragic stories of the lives lost and damaged behind every broken helicopter.
My fall term at USC had just begun. It was also the beginning of my two-year Air Force ROTC studies. Thereafter I was to be commissioned as an Officer and sent to Flight School to become a pilot.
Meeting with several fraternity brothers we exchanged stories of our summer experiences. Mine detailed the physical, mental, and emotional challenges that I had endured at Boot Camp. I claimed personal pride at what I had accomplished; what I had learned about myself. With some false humility I proclaimed that I had been awarded the honor of being selected as ‘The Most Outstanding Cadet’ from the 200+ cadets.
The ‘Wow! Really??!” comes next…
One friend asked, “What did you learn?” Proudly, I proclaimed, “I learned that I would die for my country.
It was then John’s turn to advise what he had learned during his summer training to become a Peace Corps Volunteer. Proudly and energetically John declared, “I learned that I would live for my country.”
His declaration pierced my heart and opened doors of sensibilities that had been shuttered.
After serving years as a military pilot and AF Reservist, followed by decades as an international businessman, I continue to be a ‘work in progress’ striving to live up to John’s declaration – and this has made all the difference.
This was the emotional plea from Khun Lek, the young Thai mother speaking in her language.
For many weeks my team and I had sought to entreat Thai mothers of children with clefts and other facial deformities to allow Operation Smile bring their international doctors to surgically repair these birth defects. Most Thai people are practicing Buddhists. A tenet of their beliefs is that ‘where and to what circumstances’ one is born back into is a reflection of the ‘good and bad’ deeds done in previous lives. This is ‘karma’.
The damaged faces of their children often prevented healthy eating leading to under-development and other maladies. They were also many hardships and embarrassments – to child and family. Often the disfigured children were ‘hidden away’ and not allowed to go to school. As painful as this was for child and mother their beliefs suggested that the deformity was retribution for past lives’ mistakes.
Through a translator I offered another interpretation. I suggested that bringing all the international surgeons and health professionals to repair her child was evidence that past misdeeds had been erased and that a new karmic experience was being offered. The Thai mother’s eyes grew big and as tears flowed she nodded in prayerful appreciation and acknowledgement. Lek began to receive the blessings for her family and child as she imagined her child’s face repaired. The mother was overwhelmed with emotion from thoughts of her child recovering health, going to school, and leading a productive life.
In following weeks Operation Smile Thailand arranged the logistics and financial support bringing an international medical team to northern Thailand to conduct a weeklong surgical mission. During this week over 90 children had facial birth defects and other burn injuries repaired by their plastic surgeons. Khun Lek’s son was one of them.
The ‘karmic journey’ of all the Operation Smile’s volunteers, medical professionals and patrons was also proceeding ‘making miracles, one smile at a time’.
The score was tied. Our International School of Bangkok (ISB) varsity High School volleyball team was playing in the decisive game for the league championship against its arch rival, Singapore International School (SAS). For most sports SAS dominated the league of international schools in Southeast Asia (SEA).
My son, Gary, a High school Junior was on this varsity team. He had not been selected to the squad that would play in this championship game.
The game was being played on ISB’s home court. The stands were packed with hundreds of students and parents.
Gary did not bemoan or criticize his not being selected. He stood tall in character and intention. Spontaneously, Gary standing floor-side, facing the packed bleachers, began to rile the home crowd conducting them to cheer, clap, and stomp urging their team to play ever harder. Gary’s enthusiasm and energy ignited the crowd. He conducted his human orchestra to loudly cheer and celebrate every home team point.
The score see-sawed back and forth. The home crowd cheered louder and louder led by Gary. Finally, ISB won the game and claimed the SEA championship. The crowd erupted in joyous celebration.
Gary was drenched in sweat as he had been as physically active as any player on the court.
My great joy for the win paled in comparison to the pride I felt for Gary’s courage and commitment to support his team in his special way. W Mitchell said it best, “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do with what happens that determines your life.” Gary’s courage, resilience, and resolve to ‘make lemonade out of lemons’ continue to serve him well.
The German psychotherapist teacher, and writer, BERT HELLINGER, was 93 years old, and is known worldwide for the creation of the therapeutic method ′′Family Constellation”. He passed away on 19/9/19.
He left this wonderful text:
Life disappoints you to stop living with illusions and see reality. Life destroys everything superfluous until only the important remains. Life doesn’t leave you alone, so you can stop blaming yourself and accept everything as ′′ is “. Life is going to withdraw what you have, until you stop complaining and start to thank. Life sends conflicting people to heal you, so you stop looking out and start reflecting who you are inside. Life lets you fall again and again, until you decide to learn the lesson.
Life takes you out of the way and presents you crossroads, until you stop wanting to control everything and flow like a river. Life puts your enemies on the road, until you stop reacting. Life scares you and will scare you as many times as necessary, until you lose your fear and regain your faith. Life distances you from the people you love, until you understand that we are not that body, but the soul it contains. Life laughs at you many, many times, until you stop taking everything so seriously and you can laugh at yourself. Life breaks you in as many parts as it takes, so that light penetrates you. Life confronts you against rebels, until you stop trying to control. Life repeats the same message, if necessary with screams and covers, until you finally hear it.
Life sends lightning and storms, to wake you up. Life humiliates you and sometimes defeats you again and again until you decide to let your ego die. Life denies you goods and greatness until you stop wanting goods and greatness and begin to serve. Life cuts your wings and prunes your roots, until you need wings or roots, just disappear in the forms and your being flies. Life denies you miracles, until you understand everything is a miracle. Life shortens your time, so you can hurry to learn to live. Life ridicules you until you do nothing, no one, so that then it turns you into everything. Life doesn’t give you what you want, but what you need to evolve. Life hurts you and haunts you until you drop your whims and tantrums and appreciate your breath.
Life hides treasures from you until you learn to come to life and seek them. Life denies you God, until you see Him in everyone and everything. Life wakes you up, prunes you, breaks you down, disappoints you… but believe me, that’s for your best self to manifest… until only love remains in you “.
“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of your relationships.” – Anthony Robbins
“If you associate with turkeys you will never fly with eagles.” – Brian Tracy
One of my mentors has continually reinforced the principle that it doesn’t matter where you go in life, what you do…it’s who you have beside you. Most times we don’t choose our family, yet these persons, who care most for us, usually provide the experiential laboratory for what works and what doesn’t in human relationships. Nurturing and supporting these relationships are key components to our sense of responsibility and service.
We do have choice in choosing our friends. Making good choices is one of the most important things we can do. The choices we make and how we cultivate and care for these relationships largely determine the success and joy that we experience.
As stated previously, “If you always live with those that are lame, you yourself will learn to limp.” Conversely if you surround yourself with persons of integrity, industry, and compassion you will most likely become an active member of a powerful and successful group.
Operating Philosophy
My operating philosophy is to practice “Clear-eyed Optimism”. I believe that most people are good. I believe that the overall impact of this philosophy promotes greater opportunities for joy and perceived Universal support.
The few times when I lapsed into an unenlightened and shallow version of this belief, I allowed a person to undermine my success and cause me grief. The grief would likely have been greatly mitigated had I illuminated the relationship by closer observation of the other’s needs and more clearly sussed out their intentions.
The French scientist and philosopher, Blaise Pascal, cautions, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.”
My experience has taught me that everyone primarily sees facts from their own perceived best interest, often narrowly defined. This is not to suggest that being a cynic is preferable, but that “clear-seeing”, allowing that everyone does not share the full “do unto others” operating philosophy requires my full attention. I must be alert not to confuse personality and charisma with enlightened mutual or public interest. The caution, “Don’t do business with strangers” applies to all of our relationships, even relatives.
While a full vetting of a stranger’s intentions is usually not possible, I’ve found that an optimistic “eyes-wide-open” approach is most revealing. Detecting attempts at duplicity or manipulation is easier when I have invited a person into relationship. A “clear-eyed” relationship, whether with stranger, friend, or family, always starts and ends with effective communication.
Have you ever encountered a person who is so wrapped up in their own thoughts and interests that they allow no time for yours?
Sometime ago I met a person who was quite accomplished, and very full of themselves. He went on and on describing in detail his thoughts and feelings, not stopping to consider mine. When he finally did, his questions took the form of, “Enough about me. Tell me about you. What do you think about me?”
What would your experience in this communication cycle be? Aren’t they still a stranger with unvetted intentions if there is no two-way dialogue? How eager are you to continue the one-way conversation? How eager are you to enter into a business or other relationship?
Stephen Covey’s Habit # 5, his principle for empathetic communication from his wonderful book The 7 habits of Highly Effective People, is, “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.” Simply: don’t prescribe without diagnosis. Covey further counsels, Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I am not going to be influenced by your advice.
My personal formula for Effective Communication and Relationships is:
A R A C
– A = Acknowledgement
– R = Respect
– A = Appreciation
– C = Consideration
– Always start with properly Acknowledging a person’s presence. This immediately opens the door for exchange.
– The default position of a new relationship is Respect. Although trust must be earned, initial respect should be granted.
– Genuine Appreciation for another’s presence and gifts, real and potential, is a blessing to the receiver, and the giver.
– Consideration is an external expression of A, R, A. It can be a physical exchange, an appropriate courtesy, a timely follow-up, being a thoughtful listener, or as an earnest deliberator.
My formula is practiced with attempt to first focus on the other’s perspective, but with “eyes-wide-open”. My goal is to establish a mutually beneficial relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation. This must become innate for effective Responsible Leadership.
Try this formula first with your family. They may not be the easiest communication partners, but the rewards are the greatest.
“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer
“Giving acknowledgment and service to family and others reinforces your connection with the Divine. – Dad
“Friendship makes prosperity more shinning and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.” – Cicero
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