The score was tied. Our International School of Bangkok (ISB) varsity High School volleyball team was playing in the decisive game for the league championship against its arch rival, Singapore International School (SAS). For most sports SAS dominated the league of international schools in Southeast Asia (SEA).
My son, Gary, a High school Junior was on this varsity team. He had not been selected to the squad that would play in this championship game.
The game was being played on ISB’s home court. The stands were packed with hundreds of students and parents.
Gary did not bemoan or criticize his not being selected. He stood tall in character and intention. Spontaneously, Gary standing floor-side, facing the packed bleachers, began to rile the home crowd conducting them to cheer, clap, and stomp urging their team to play ever harder. Gary’s enthusiasm and energy ignited the crowd. He conducted his human orchestra to loudly cheer and celebrate every home team point.
The score see-sawed back and forth. The home crowd cheered louder and louder led by Gary. Finally, ISB won the game and claimed the SEA championship. The crowd erupted in joyous celebration.
Gary was drenched in sweat as he had been as physically active as any player on the court.
My great joy for the win paled in comparison to the pride I felt for Gary’s courage and commitment to support his team in his special way. W Mitchell said it best, “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do with what happens that determines your life.” Gary’s courage, resilience, and resolve to ‘make lemonade out of lemons’ continue to serve him well.
The German psychotherapist teacher, and writer, BERT HELLINGER, was 93 years old, and is known worldwide for the creation of the therapeutic method ′′Family Constellation”. He passed away on 19/9/19.
He left this wonderful text:
Life disappoints you to stop living with illusions and see reality. Life destroys everything superfluous until only the important remains. Life doesn’t leave you alone, so you can stop blaming yourself and accept everything as ′′ is “. Life is going to withdraw what you have, until you stop complaining and start to thank. Life sends conflicting people to heal you, so you stop looking out and start reflecting who you are inside. Life lets you fall again and again, until you decide to learn the lesson.
Life takes you out of the way and presents you crossroads, until you stop wanting to control everything and flow like a river. Life puts your enemies on the road, until you stop reacting. Life scares you and will scare you as many times as necessary, until you lose your fear and regain your faith. Life distances you from the people you love, until you understand that we are not that body, but the soul it contains. Life laughs at you many, many times, until you stop taking everything so seriously and you can laugh at yourself. Life breaks you in as many parts as it takes, so that light penetrates you. Life confronts you against rebels, until you stop trying to control. Life repeats the same message, if necessary with screams and covers, until you finally hear it.
Life sends lightning and storms, to wake you up. Life humiliates you and sometimes defeats you again and again until you decide to let your ego die. Life denies you goods and greatness until you stop wanting goods and greatness and begin to serve. Life cuts your wings and prunes your roots, until you need wings or roots, just disappear in the forms and your being flies. Life denies you miracles, until you understand everything is a miracle. Life shortens your time, so you can hurry to learn to live. Life ridicules you until you do nothing, no one, so that then it turns you into everything. Life doesn’t give you what you want, but what you need to evolve. Life hurts you and haunts you until you drop your whims and tantrums and appreciate your breath.
Life hides treasures from you until you learn to come to life and seek them. Life denies you God, until you see Him in everyone and everything. Life wakes you up, prunes you, breaks you down, disappoints you… but believe me, that’s for your best self to manifest… until only love remains in you “.
“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of your relationships.” – Anthony Robbins
“If you associate with turkeys you will never fly with eagles.” – Brian Tracy
One of my mentors has continually reinforced the principle that it doesn’t matter where you go in life, what you do…it’s who you have beside you. Most times we don’t choose our family, yet these persons, who care most for us, usually provide the experiential laboratory for what works and what doesn’t in human relationships. Nurturing and supporting these relationships are key components to our sense of responsibility and service.
We do have choice in choosing our friends. Making good choices is one of the most important things we can do. The choices we make and how we cultivate and care for these relationships largely determine the success and joy that we experience.
As stated previously, “If you always live with those that are lame, you yourself will learn to limp.” Conversely if you surround yourself with persons of integrity, industry, and compassion you will most likely become an active member of a powerful and successful group.
Operating Philosophy
My operating philosophy is to practice “Clear-eyed Optimism”. I believe that most people are good. I believe that the overall impact of this philosophy promotes greater opportunities for joy and perceived Universal support.
The few times when I lapsed into an unenlightened and shallow version of this belief, I allowed a person to undermine my success and cause me grief. The grief would likely have been greatly mitigated had I illuminated the relationship by closer observation of the other’s needs and more clearly sussed out their intentions.
The French scientist and philosopher, Blaise Pascal, cautions, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.”
My experience has taught me that everyone primarily sees facts from their own perceived best interest, often narrowly defined. This is not to suggest that being a cynic is preferable, but that “clear-seeing”, allowing that everyone does not share the full “do unto others” operating philosophy requires my full attention. I must be alert not to confuse personality and charisma with enlightened mutual or public interest. The caution, “Don’t do business with strangers” applies to all of our relationships, even relatives.
While a full vetting of a stranger’s intentions is usually not possible, I’ve found that an optimistic “eyes-wide-open” approach is most revealing. Detecting attempts at duplicity or manipulation is easier when I have invited a person into relationship. A “clear-eyed” relationship, whether with stranger, friend, or family, always starts and ends with effective communication.
Have you ever encountered a person who is so wrapped up in their own thoughts and interests that they allow no time for yours?
Sometime ago I met a person who was quite accomplished, and very full of themselves. He went on and on describing in detail his thoughts and feelings, not stopping to consider mine. When he finally did, his questions took the form of, “Enough about me. Tell me about you. What do you think about me?”
What would your experience in this communication cycle be? Aren’t they still a stranger with unvetted intentions if there is no two-way dialogue? How eager are you to continue the one-way conversation? How eager are you to enter into a business or other relationship?
Stephen Covey’s Habit # 5, his principle for empathetic communication from his wonderful book The 7 habits of Highly Effective People, is, “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.” Simply: don’t prescribe without diagnosis. Covey further counsels, Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I am not going to be influenced by your advice.
My personal formula for Effective Communication and Relationships is:
A R A C
– A = Acknowledgement
– R = Respect
– A = Appreciation
– C = Consideration
– Always start with properly Acknowledging a person’s presence. This immediately opens the door for exchange.
– The default position of a new relationship is Respect. Although trust must be earned, initial respect should be granted.
– Genuine Appreciation for another’s presence and gifts, real and potential, is a blessing to the receiver, and the giver.
– Consideration is an external expression of A, R, A. It can be a physical exchange, an appropriate courtesy, a timely follow-up, being a thoughtful listener, or as an earnest deliberator.
My formula is practiced with attempt to first focus on the other’s perspective, but with “eyes-wide-open”. My goal is to establish a mutually beneficial relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation. This must become innate for effective Responsible Leadership.
Try this formula first with your family. They may not be the easiest communication partners, but the rewards are the greatest.
“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer
“Giving acknowledgment and service to family and others reinforces your connection with the Divine. – Dad
“Friendship makes prosperity more shinning and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.” – Cicero
As far aback as I can remember Teams have always been important to me. Over the years my stories of the experiences and relevance expands.
From Cub and Boy Scouts, playing in Little League, to other baseball, basketball, and football teams each Team had a central place in my life at the time. Practicing teamwork and mutual appreciation for team members were essential teachings of these Teams.
Add my university fraternity brothers as team members and those who sweated it out with me in Air Force ‘Boot Camp’. Every Team offered opportunities to improve skills – athletic, relationship, and life. Usually nicknames and stories were an essential part of developing teamwork to work toward a desired outcome.
When I entered flight training in USAF I readily embraced one of my favorite Teams – Scatpack/Tipper 73-01. During a year of stressful training my fellow pilots-in-training became a close Team. Although our training required superior individual performance we all were very supportive and encouraging to each other.
After initial flight training I was sent to train in the B-52 Stratofortress bomber – another Team developed. Subsequently I was assigned to a squadron in the Strategic Air Command (SAC) at Carswell AFB, Ft. Worth, Texas.
As this was in the mid-‘70’s during the Cold War our squadron was one of many that were a part of essential US military deterrent. We trained hard and practiced launching our strategic bombers at a moment’s notice. This required great preparation and collaboration – real teamwork. Humorous nicknames were part of our squadron milieu to solidify ‘sense of team’ and in part to ward off the angst of using our skills in strategic combat during a world at war.
During this time I was proud to serve in the US Military – proud to be considered an important element of our national defense. However, I did not agree with our nation’s leaders that our nation’s defense required waging a war in Viet Nam. For me, it seemed like a big mistake that wasted tens of thousands of lives and billions of dollars.
Some of my squadron team members were sent to fly bombing missions in Viet Nam. I wasn’t. President Nixon and Secretary of State Henry Kissinger had signed the Paris Peace Accords, titled the ‘Agreement on Ending the War and Restoring Peace in Viet Nam’ with the North Vietnamese and Revolutionaries. The ‘Agreement’ required the removal of all US Forces, including air and naval forces. A large pilot draw-down was initiated throughout the Air Force. This draw-down resulted in me being transferred to the Air Force Reserves. I left my B-52 squadron team members. Some were left forever in Viet Nam. Unfortunately the ‘Agreement’ did not end the War as it continued to rage for more than two years forfeiting the lives of an additional 20,000 Americans and many many thousands of Vietnamese from the North and South.
When I subsequently swapped my cockpit for a business boardroom my interest and commitment to build Teams persisted. As owner or the senior manager I served as ‘Team Captain’. It was always a privilege to train and lead. My business career has carried me around the world, specializing in developing countries, Panama, Indonesia, Cambodia, Thailand. The teams created in these countries had members of mixed nationalities and cultures.
The objectives of our business Teams were similarly intended to improve skills in effectiveness, relationships, and collaboration. Given the diverse backgrounds of the team members, stories were often used to convey concepts and ignite needed understanding. The stories, old or created, were selected to create emotional commitment to complete the assigned objectives.
I carried forward the positive experiences of working and creating teams when I entered the International NGO world. The Teams created here were also composed of persons of diverse ethnicities and experiences, all devoted to public service. Even here stories were very useful for developing mutual appreciation and social cohesion.
Now retired, however, in no way resigned to inactivity or refraining from public serving contributions I am looking, ‘post-COVID’, to join or create a new Team. A Team collaboratively synergized to expand personal growth and contributions. I am certain that stories will be important in this team too. We may drop the nicknames…
Keith Kent was a 19 year-old college sophomore at Harvard in 1968 when he wrote this poem. From Elementary School through High School in Hawaii Keith had been involved in student government at all levels. He experienced varying degrees of respectful and disrespectful discussions. Subsequently he wrote articles and gave lectures on effective organization and management for school representative councils.
The 1960’s were tumultuous times of protests, peaceful and not, for ‘free speech’, against the ‘Viet Nam War’ and racial and social injustice. Often people with different opinions on the issues were intolerant and abusive to to each other.
Keith felt that there needed to be better attitudes and means of listening, discussing, and resolving. In his writings he claimed that although the schools taught about American ideals they did not teach how to implement them and bring about change. He was inspired to write a practical ‘How to’ book on working toward collaboration and consensus. This book was titled, ‘The Silent Revolution – Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council. Keith’s premise was that effective leadership required compassion and respect towards others’ beliefs. Without these values as a basis, understanding and consensual resolution was improbable. Discord leading to increasing division and ‘make wrong’ attitudes would likely prevail. Sound familiar?
Keith’s poem is a call for finding meaning in the face of adversity. He intended it to be a personal ‘declaration of independence’ to be cognizant of ‘what is outside of our control’ and ‘what we can’. His declaration is that we can control our attitudes and actions. His poem states the requirements for controlling these must be viewed, not as recommendations, but as commandments.
Currently in the US and in many countries where practiced compassion and understanding have decreased, social and political polarization have escalated. Practicing the ‘commandments’ opens the doors of tolerance and the windows of potential understanding and respect by facing the worst in the world with the ‘best in ourselves’ – controlling our ‘inner lives’ and living our values. Doing such may not immediately exert influence on those things you cannot control. Doing such will definitely contribute to those things that you can. This personal control is often a requirement for personal satisfaction and happiness.
In these times of health and economic challenges I submit that adherence to these ‘commandments’ is a way ‘in’ to better handle the ‘out’.
Keith originally wrote 10 commandments in 1968. For over three decades he was unaware of the global impact they were having. This actionable wisdom has been appreciated and shared by thousands of organizations and millions of people around the world. If you Google search on the poem’s first line, “People may be illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered” it advises that there are over 1,180,000 hits.
THE PARADOXICAL COMMANDMENTS
People may be illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
When you do good, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
When you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness may make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas may be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may still get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.
– Dr. Kent M. Keith
***
In 2006 Dr. Keith added an 11th Commandment:
“The World is full of violence, injustice, and environmental destruction. Have Faith anyway.”
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