Life in Small Bites

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of your relationships.” – Anthony Robbins

“If you associate with turkeys you will never fly with eagles.” – Brian Tracy

One of my mentors has continually reinforced the principle that it doesn’t matter where you go in life, what you do…it’s who you have beside you.  Most times we don’t choose our family, yet these persons, who care most for us, usually provide the experiential laboratory for what works and what doesn’t in human relationships.  Nurturing and supporting these relationships are key components to our sense of responsibility and service.

We do have choice in choosing our friends.  Making good choices is one of the most important things we can do. The choices we make and how we cultivate and care for these relationships largely determine the success and joy that we experience. 

As stated previously, “If you always live with those that are lame, you yourself will learn to limp.”  Conversely if you surround yourself with persons of integrity, industry, and compassion you will most likely become an active member of a powerful and successful group.

Operating Philosophy

My operating philosophy is to practice “Clear-eyed Optimism”.  I believe that most people are good.  I believe that the overall impact of this philosophy promotes greater opportunities for joy and perceived Universal support.

The few times when I lapsed into an unenlightened and shallow version of this belief, I allowed a person to undermine my success and cause me grief.  The grief would likely have been greatly mitigated had I illuminated the relationship by closer observation of the other’s needs and more clearly sussed out their intentions.  

The French scientist and philosopher, Blaise Pascal, cautions, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.”

My experience has taught me that everyone primarily sees facts from their own perceived best interest, often narrowly defined.  This is not to suggest that being a cynic is preferable, but that “clear-seeing”, allowing that everyone does not share the full “do unto others” operating philosophy requires my full attention.  I must be alert not to confuse personality and charisma with enlightened mutual or public interest.  The caution, “Don’t do business with strangers” applies to all of our relationships, even relatives.

While a full vetting of a stranger’s intentions is usually not possible, I’ve found that an optimistic “eyes-wide-open” approach is most revealing.  Detecting attempts at duplicity or manipulation is easier when I have invited a person into relationship.  A “clear-eyed” relationship, whether with stranger, friend, or family, always starts and ends with effective communication.

Have you ever encountered a person who is so wrapped up in their own thoughts and interests that they allow no time for yours?   

Sometime ago I met a person who was quite accomplished, and very full of themselves.  He went on and on describing in detail his thoughts and feelings, not stopping to consider mine.  When he finally did, his questions took the form of, “Enough about me.  Tell me about you.  What do you think about me?”

What would your experience in this communication cycle be?  Aren’t they still a stranger with unvetted intentions if there is no two-way dialogue?  How eager are you to continue the one-way conversation?  How eager are you to enter into a business or other relationship?

Stephen Covey’s Habit # 5, his principle for empathetic communication from his wonderful book The 7 habits of Highly Effective People, is, “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.”  Simply: don’t prescribe without diagnosis.  Covey further counsels, Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I am not going to be influenced by your advice.

My personal formula for Effective Communication and Relationships is: 

A  R  A  C

– A  =  Acknowledgement

– R  =  Respect

– A  =  Appreciation

– C  =  Consideration

– Always start with properly Acknowledging a person’s presence.  This immediately opens the door for exchange. 

– The default position of a new relationship is Respect.  Although trust must be earned, initial respect should be granted.

– Genuine Appreciation for another’s presence and gifts, real and potential, is a blessing to the receiver, and the giver.

– Consideration is an external expression of A,  R, A.  It can be a physical exchange, an appropriate courtesy, a timely follow-up, being a thoughtful listener, or as an earnest deliberator.

My formula is practiced with attempt to first focus on the other’s perspective, but with “eyes-wide-open”.  My goal is to establish a mutually beneficial relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation.  This must become innate for effective Responsible Leadership.

Try this formula first with your family.  They may not be the easiest communication partners, but the rewards are the greatest.

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer

“Giving acknowledgment and service to family and others reinforces your connection with the Divine. – Dad

“Friendship makes prosperity more shinning and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.” – Cicero

As far aback as I can remember Teams have always been important to me.  Over the years my stories of the experiences and relevance expands.

From Cub and Boy Scouts, playing in Little League, to other baseball, basketball, and football teams each Team had a central place in my life at the time.  Practicing teamwork and mutual appreciation for team members were essential teachings of these Teams. 

Add my university fraternity brothers as team members and those who sweated it out with me in Air Force ‘Boot Camp’.  Every Team offered opportunities to improve skills – athletic, relationship, and life.  Usually nicknames and stories were an essential part of developing teamwork to work toward a desired outcome.

When I entered flight training in USAF I readily embraced one of my favorite Teams – Scatpack/Tipper 73-01. During a year of stressful training my fellow pilots-in-training became a close Team.  Although our training required superior individual performance we all were very supportive and encouraging to each other.

After initial flight training I was sent to train in the B-52 Stratofortress bomber – another Team developed.  Subsequently I was assigned to a squadron in the Strategic Air Command (SAC) at Carswell AFB, Ft. Worth, Texas. 

As this was in the mid-‘70’s during the Cold War our squadron was one of many that were a part of essential US military deterrent.  We trained hard and practiced launching our strategic bombers at a moment’s notice.  This required great preparation and collaboration – real teamwork.  Humorous nicknames were part of our squadron milieu to solidify ‘sense of team’ and in part to ward off the angst of using our skills in strategic combat during a world at war.

During this time I was proud to serve in the US Military – proud to be considered an important element of our national defense.  However, I did not agree with our nation’s leaders that our nation’s defense required waging a war in Viet Nam.  For me, it seemed like a big mistake that wasted tens of thousands of lives and billions of dollars.

Some of my squadron team members were sent to fly bombing missions in Viet Nam.  I wasn’t.  President Nixon and Secretary of State Henry Kissinger had signed the Paris Peace Accords, titled the ‘Agreement on Ending the War and Restoring Peace in Viet Nam’ with the North Vietnamese and Revolutionaries.  The ‘Agreement’ required the removal of all US Forces, including air and naval forces.  A large pilot draw-down was initiated throughout the Air Force.  This draw-down resulted in me being transferred to the Air Force Reserves.  I left my B-52 squadron team members.  Some were left forever in Viet Nam.   Unfortunately the ‘Agreement’ did not end the War as it continued to rage for more than two years forfeiting the lives of an additional 20,000 Americans and many many thousands of Vietnamese from the North and South.

When I subsequently swapped my cockpit for a business boardroom my interest and commitment to build Teams persisted.  As owner or the senior manager I served as ‘Team Captain’.  It was always a privilege to train and lead.  My business career has carried me around the world, specializing in developing countries, Panama, Indonesia, Cambodia, Thailand.  The teams created in these countries had members of mixed nationalities and cultures. 

The objectives of our business Teams were similarly intended to improve skills in effectiveness, relationships, and collaboration.  Given the diverse backgrounds of the team members, stories were often used to convey concepts and ignite needed understanding.  The stories, old or created, were selected to create emotional commitment to complete the assigned objectives.

I carried forward the positive experiences of working and creating teams when I entered the International NGO world.  The Teams created here were also composed of persons of diverse ethnicities and experiences, all devoted to public service.  Even here stories were very useful for developing mutual appreciation and social cohesion.

Now retired, however, in no way resigned to inactivity or refraining from public serving contributions I am looking, ‘post-COVID’, to join or create a new Team.  A Team collaboratively synergized to expand personal growth and contributions.  I am certain that stories will be important in this team too.  We may drop the nicknames…

Keith Kent was a 19 year-old college sophomore at Harvard in 1968 when he wrote this poem. From Elementary School through High School in Hawaii Keith had been involved in student government at all levels. He experienced varying degrees of respectful and disrespectful discussions. Subsequently he wrote articles and gave lectures on effective organization and management for school representative councils.

The 1960’s were tumultuous times of protests, peaceful and not, for ‘free speech’, against the ‘Viet Nam War’ and racial and social injustice. Often people with different opinions on the issues were intolerant and abusive to to each other.

Keith felt that there needed to be better attitudes and means of listening, discussing, and resolving. In his writings he claimed that although the schools taught about American ideals they did not teach how to implement them and bring about change. He was inspired to write a practical ‘How to’ book on working toward collaboration and consensus. This book was titled, ‘The Silent Revolution – Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council. Keith’s premise was that effective leadership required compassion and respect towards others’ beliefs. Without these values as a basis, understanding and consensual resolution was improbable. Discord leading to increasing division and ‘make wrong’ attitudes would likely prevail. Sound familiar?

Keith’s poem is a call for finding meaning in the face of adversity. He intended it to be a personal ‘declaration of independence’ to be cognizant of ‘what is outside of our control’ and ‘what we can’. His declaration is that we can control our attitudes and actions. His poem states the requirements for controlling these must be viewed, not as recommendations, but as commandments.

Currently in the US and in many countries where practiced compassion and understanding have decreased, social and political polarization have escalated. Practicing the ‘commandments’ opens the doors of tolerance and the windows of potential understanding and respect by facing the worst in the world with the ‘best in ourselves’ – controlling our ‘inner lives’ and living our values. Doing such may not immediately exert influence on those things you cannot control. Doing such will definitely contribute to those things that you can. This personal control is often a requirement for personal satisfaction and happiness.

In these times of health and economic challenges I submit that adherence to these ‘commandments’ is a way ‘in’ to better handle the ‘out’.

Keith originally wrote 10 commandments in 1968. For over three decades he was unaware of the global impact they were having. This actionable wisdom has been appreciated and shared by thousands of organizations and millions of people around the world. If you Google search on the poem’s first line, “People may be illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered” it advises that there are over 1,180,000 hits.

THE PARADOXICAL COMMANDMENTS

People may be illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

When you do good, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

When you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness may make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas may be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you may still get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

– Dr. Kent M. Keith

***

In 2006 Dr. Keith added an 11th Commandment:

“The World is full of violence, injustice, and environmental destruction. Have Faith anyway.”

When I coached young baseball players preparing to bat I encouraged them by advising them that they are powerful. They have the ‘bat’.  The bat was the instrument to ‘make a difference’.  In the game of baseball it was their opportunity to advance the cause of their team.

In the ‘Batter’s Box of Life’ we also have a bat.  It’s our Voice, more importantly our ‘Actions’.  What we Say and Do matter.  The Values we honor and model matter.  They matter especially to our children. 

What Values were the Capitol Building rioters, their enablers and supporters, and those promoting dangerous untruthful conspiracy theories teaching their children?  Will their children grow up to respect nation and life-supporting Values of social equality, justice and democracy?

When one of my ballplayers struck out I would counsel them to learn from their experience and that there would be a ‘next time’.  I also led the teammates to share encouragement for the ‘next time’.  When one of our batters got a hit it lifted the hopes and expectations of all. 

The 2020 US national election was been a ‘hit’.  How we follow-up is vital.  For the many who ‘struck out’ by not practicing community-enhancing Values, or worse working to undermine them, the ‘next time’ is Now.  ‘Now’ to join Voices and Actions for advancing civil justice, equality, and opportunities for all – especially for your children – they are watching.

(For another story how Baseball has ‘lessons for life’ my post S = PG + PC )

In the mid-80’s, I was a contractor to the US government in the former Panama Canal Zone. I had hundreds of local employees. Among them were half-dozen Embera Choco Indian tribesmen who hailed from the foreboding Darien jungle. The Darien, connecting Panama and Columbia, was virtually impenetrable and was the only stretch of land between the northern tip of Alaska and the southern tip of Chile where the Inter-American Highway was not connected.

The father of these ‘Indios’ was a Choco Cacique (Chief) and also a Brujo (Witch-Doctor) of their village. The Chief visited me on several occasions bringing stories of gold and ancient Spanish treasures that he had discovered near his very small jungle village. The Cacique told me of finding a secret cave within which he uncovered a large wooden door. Behind the door he found a six-foot long alligator statue made of gold and many Spanish Conquistador helmets.

Remember in the 1500’s, the Spanish Conquistadors, which plundered Inca gold and treasures from Peru, traversed the land bridge of Panama exiting on the Caribbean coast to board their ships for return voyages to Spain.

My interest and thoughts of adventure and riches spiked.

The Cacique said that he would guide me to his cave and share his findings. He asked me to bring provisions to his village of 40 people; shotgun and .22 shells, matches, rice, beans, coffee, beer, cigarettes—and bolts of red tela (cloth).

The Cacique cautioned that the area surrounding the cave was patrolled by dangerous ‘devil dogs’. The tela would be used to safely cordon off the cave, as the devil dogs feared the bright red cloth.

Within two weeks I had convinced several equally excited friends to join me in this treasure reclaiming expedition.

At 05:00 on a Saturday morning we left Panama City with a convoy of two of my large flatbed trucks and two 4-wheel drive vehicles. The journey to the end of the paved road to the beginning of the Darien was to take only three hours.

Not so! Mechanical failures and multiple tire blowouts delayed our arrival to 18:00. Near the equator, in the jungle, at 6:00 PM darkness is ‘at hand’.

The planned Choco bearers who were to help carry all the provisions and gear to the village had long ago decided that we were ‘No-Shows’ and had left for their village. This meant that the five Gringos, my friends, and me had to carry all the gear.

The Darien jungle is not a welcoming place for the inexperienced trekker.

At night it is a black scary a place.

Barely able to see three feet in front, each burdened with more than 50 lbs. of gear, my team stumbled blindly through the jungle while we fearfully followed the sole Choco guide for over three hours – that felt more like three days. If there was a path we couldn’t see it. An unspoken rule was not to mention the deadly snakes, crocs, or wild boar that lived in the jungle.

Finally we broke out of the jungle onto a riverbank. Three 20- foot cayucos (dug- out canoes) were waiting for us. Loading and boarding the narrow cayucos required balance and caution. Each dugout was piloted by a Choco whose only propulsion was a long pole. My team and I did not want to know what kind of river-life threatened us from below.

Two hours later, exhausted, we disembarked on a small beach at the entrance to the Cacique’s village. Dragging all the gear up the slope to the village our only aim was to collapse in whatever fashion of beds were available.

Not to be! The Cacique and a few elders had prepared a welcoming ceremony. Due to the very late time he immediately began. My team and I sat on the floor of the Cacique’s raised hut while he began chanting to honor us and bless the expedition. The chanting, accompanied by the elders’ drumming, lasted two hours – it felt like two days!

My attempt to meditate to the chanting was really more dozing, on and off. Each dozing would lead to full-colored fanciful dreams.

After less than four hours of restless sleep rude roosters brazenly crowed a wake-up call, “No choice. Get-up!” Still exhausted we surveyed our surroundings in the daylight.

The village consisted of a dozen thatched-roofed, open-sided huts built on stilts. The huts were raised about 10 feet in the air to provide safety from roaming predators and floods.

After a simple breakfast of fertilized eggs and yucca, aided by some gear-carrying villagers, including bare-breasted teenage girls, we formed single-file and set off hiking through the jungle.

Our hike, steamy hot in daylight, was punctuated with annoying attacks of all sorts of flying insects, leeches, and other creepy crawlers. After 1-1/2 hours we arrived at a small clearing in the center of which was a 10 feet deep pit about 20 feet around. The Cacique pointed to a small opening on the other side of the pit and exclaimed, “Aqui estamos!” – “We are here!”, or something like that in his native language signaling that this was the site of the treasure cave.

My friends and I jumped in the pit and peered into the opening. With our flashlights we could see that the three-foot wide and tall entrance opened into a cavern with a five-foot ceiling and an indeterminable depth. Our lights also revealed that the cave ceiling was crowded with thousands of hanging bats – the floor with inches of bat droppings. The ammonia smell was nearly over-powering.

The Cacique handed us shovels and invited us to enter the cave. Some of my team members balked. No braver than the rest but compelled as the expedition financier and organizer I crawled, shovel in hand, through the entrance. A son of the Chief accompanied me and told me to start digging on the far earthen cave wall. So I did. The bats didn’t like my presence any more than I did theirs and they made it known by swooping and darting down at me. As the cave ceiling was only five feet high I had to dig while crouching on my knees trying not to touch or be touched by the bats.

Every 30 minute or so I would exit the cave for a rest and invite others to share in the digging. No takers…

After many hours of digging, finding only more dirt I exited the cave and asked the Cacique where the large wooden door was. In his language he made a lengthy reply gesturing wildly. I patiently waited for the fractured translation from Choco to Spanish to English.

Poof! That’s how epiphanies happen! Mine was when I finally understood that the large wooden door, the golden alligator, and the Conquistador helmets were all seen by the Cacique/Brujo in a ‘Vision’!

I am certain that the untold part of his vision included rifle shells, rice, beans, coffee, beer, cigarettes – and tela!

What is the lesson here?

An effective leader always works to understand the needs and wants of people feeding him information – knowing this will affect the ‘What, Where, Why, and How’ of the info provided and that the intentions and goals may not be in mutual alignment. Effective leaders do not let their personal exuberance cloud their judgment when developing or executing plans.

I would tell this long story to my managers and supervisors mentoring them to exercise diligence in assessing the needs, wants, and motivations of our suppliers and even our clients – working for alignment before finalizing or implementing deliverables.

What possible activities in your personal or professional life might be succumbing to not practicing the lessons of The Treasure Cave Theory of Leadership?

Name three. What reassessed actions are you going to take?

***

Never waste an experience of extreme stress, ego-wrenching embarrassment, or personal injury without learning from it. – Dad

(PS – After Tony Robbins presented his seminars in Panama (see ‘Integrity is the Key’ –in Musings) we took him to the Darien to meet Cacique Mezua.  This was a special adventure for Tony and the Indios,?