Life in Small Bites

By Dr. Jeff Alexander

Founder of Warrior Spirit (http://www.WarriorSpirit.com)

Jeff is my personal mentor and wonderful friend.  He is Courage and Leadership personified. For the last 25 years, through seminars and trainings, Jeff has devoted his energies to unleashing these life-success strategies and competencies in others. – JY 

Have you ever heard an old song on the radio and it immediately reminds you of a place or person? You may get a smile on your face or suddenly feel a knot in your stomach. It depends on whether you were having a good or bad experience during the first time you heard that song. It can dictate the emotion you currently feel, even twenty years later. The mind organized it and sent it all down to your subconscious. Ninety five percent of everything that comes up daily got programmed in before the age of five.

Students on the path often experience the internal conflict. When the challenges begin, celebrate! You have entered sacred territory. Krishna referred to this internal war in the Bhagavad Gita. Jesus spoke of it as a “House divided against itself.” Buddha said that suffering is due to desire and attachment. To be liberated one must first consciously enter the battleground of the mind where all suffering exists. This often takes a great leap of faith.

The mind is not the enemy. Your mind is a thought-generating machine. It organizes the thoughts automatically according to your perceptions and judgments. The delusion is that we get upset and fearful at what we create in our heads. We think it is coming from the outside world rather than noticing it is coming from within. Jesus said, “The kingdom of heaven is within you.”

Suffering does not come from the events or people in your life. It comes from your perceptions and choices about those events and people. While you may still feel the pain of the old experience, a new awareness begins to grow. And over time, the pain of that old dark experience transmutes into a higher state. Some call this enlightenment.

Jesus said, “Go within!” He was referring to your consciousness. He advised to not look to the world but the answer is within you. Yogananda said, “Where your energy is, there is your consciousness.” By going within, you direct your energy to your internal programming. This is the first step of your spiritual path. Have you noticed that there are a few bumps along the way?

The obstacles along the way are part of the curriculum. When they arise, just know that they are supposed to. The ego says they delay your spiritual progress. Consider the possibility that what stops you dead in your tracks, can be the very thing essential to your growth. These obstacles are like weights in the gym. They may be painful when you work your spiritual muscle, but it is key to your growth. Just because you have an awakening moment, doesn’t mean you are done. The awakening moment is just the first step of a long and sometimes difficult path.

What do you do when you feel lost? The ego attempts to jump in and take over. The ego is not capable of understanding the infinite. Thoughts are finite. The finite cannot comprehend the infinite. You know you are in trouble when your mind attempts to take over your spiritual progress. You can’t think your way back to the divine. When feeling lost, start to interpret this as another lesson in your curriculum. When I feel lost or depressed, the first thing I do is to notice and describe the feeling. I ask spirit for clarity. I don’t ask why, I ask what to do with what is in front of me. This is where you get to practice divine patience. And while I wait, I look for something to be grateful for.

When experiencing those dark moments, we can often feel alone and spiritually depleted. When that occurs, the first step is to first be aware of the internal battle. The Buddha said that the way out of suffering starts with detachment. He meant that when younotice you become a witness and immediately detach yourself from the suffering. You may still feel the pain, but the consciousness is now one step away.  That is what Christ meant by, “Being in the world, but not of the world.” Remember you havea mind. You are not a mind.

In order to have what you have never had, you must do what you have never done. This is where your leap of faith is waiting. You will never think your way to the kingdom of heaven.

In my last year at UCLA medical dental school, I met two patients in the terminal ward. This ward was where patients spent the last three months of their life due to terminal illness.

One patient in this ward was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was 42 years old. He was given three months to live and experienced great physical discomfort and pain. He was angry, yelled a lot at the staff and complained continually about how he got such a “bad deal.” When his family visited, they didn’t stay long, there was arguing and a great amount of stress. His energy was draining on anyone who attempted to help him.

Another patient with the same cancer, prognosis and age was right next door.  He experienced severe pain every moment of each day. I was captivated by his sweet energy and gentle manners in spite of his obvious pain and physical discomfort. He greeted everyone with kindness and warmth. He spent long hours touching and gazing into the eyes of his wife and daughters.

It has been over thirty-five years since that time at UCLA. Both men have passed from this world long ago. Both of these blessed beings taught me a great lesson I will never forget. Both of these men were in extreme physical pain. Yet only one of them was suffering. Pain is an experience. Suffering is a choice. In order to light up the darkness of your life, you must cultivate the courage to first enter the darkness. Once you take the first step, you begin your journey home. This always takes a leap of faith.

By Brad Morris

1. It Takes a Lot of Time

Making your dreams come alive is a full time gig. Most people work forty hours a week and at the end of the day or week don’t have the energy to invest into their passions. Instead, I recommend simplifying your life completely so that all you have left is the things that really matter. This will free up a lot of time and energy so that perhaps instead of needing to work ridiculous long hours to pay for a life you don’t like and stuff you don’t need, you can now have more free time to Create, dream and build the vision of your future, instead of someone else’s. Your time freedom is more valuable than money if you’re trading your time to do stuff that makes you miserable in exchange for a bit of money that keeps you in the rat race.

2. You Will Have to Make Sacrifices

If you take the advice from Truth number one, then you will need to let stuff go. Every choice you make comes down to the simple truth of, “It’s either aligned with your dream or it’s not.” All the things that are out of alignment with your dreams will surely have to go. You can either let it be easy and just kick the old ways to the curb OR you can remain attached and release them kicking and screaming. Either way, if you’re committed to your best life ever, you’re going to have to sacrifice some comforts, habits, belief systems and things that distract you or sway you from your mission and purpose.

3. It Will Take Tons of Energy

Building your dreams is like creating a Universe. You must realize that you are the one and only powerful creator who is and can create the reality that exists now and the one you want. Creating this higher vision will take aligning all of your thoughts, words, ideas, prayers, pass times, relationships and actions so they are all congruent with your dream. Obviously this is going to take practice, however it is the Truth. If it is to be, then it is going to be a massive energy investment. Let go of your need for it to all happen right now and instead be patient, stay present, remain 100% dedicated to your vision for the rest of your Life and enjoy the miraculous journey in front of you!

4. It Will Be Challenging
No dream has ever come true over night, just like no True heart’s desire has ever been created without challenge and set backs. Right now you are on a Hero’s Journey and the quest is to grow your energy bigger than your greatest fears and allow your dreams to become real in every waking moment. It takes a warrior’s heart and mind (not a worrier’s) to take on the journey that is in front of you, but the good news is — it is far more challenging, difficult and depressing to NOT take the risks and go after your dreams. Staying small, living little and not pursuing your heart’s passions is the hardest thing to do. So don’t do that, instead leap with enthusiasm and an openness to Trust in Life…

5. You Will Make Mistakes

It is not about getting it perfect, being perfect, having a perfect life or even knowing what the heck you’re supposed to do. We are all walking blind. This is an adventure that lasts into infinity and beyond.
The best way to get the hang of this “on the edge” kind of feeling is to try almost everything. Do new things all the time, give yourself new experiences, put yourself in new social situations and learn from everything you do and everyone you meet. If you approach life with this child-like curiosity you’ll be awestruck by how magical every moment truly is when you’re living in it.

6. Things Will Hardly Ever Go Your Way

Your sense of humor and ability to laugh will be your greatest ally on this journey. Truthfully, things hardly ever go the way you’ll intend them on paper or write them into a business plan. It’s great to have a rough idea of a plan so that you don’t just sit around twiddling your thumbs waiting for the Universe to tell you what to do. However, you must remain completely open to something far better showing up. Learning to laugh at your self, your silly egos (and the people you deal with) and life will surely make this adventure far more fun, entertaining and drama free. If you screw up, WHATEVER! It honestly doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of the entire Universe so stop taking yourself so damn seriously! Hahahahahha

7. Most People Won’t Understand

If it’s approval you want, then you better keep following the flock and doing what society, your parents and everyone else tells you to do. However, if you really do want to make your dreams manifest into your life, then you better heal your inner Child’s need for approval, acceptance and to be told what to do. This is a journey of YOUR HEART and only you can listen, hear, know and navigate your way through the labyrinth of life.

8. It Will Be Worth It

Through the ‘ups, downs and all arounds’, creating your Dreams will be the most ‘worth it’ thing you ever set out to do. There is no greater reward than to have a vision that you felt inside become real. We only have one opportunity to live this life and to not GO FOR IT would be an absolute shame and waste of time, don’t yah think? When it all seems hopeless, pointless and impossible life will throw you a lifeline that will make you laugh so hard you forget what the heck you were so stressed and worried about in the first place. Thanks life, you’re the best!

Syracuse University 2013 Graduation Speech – by George Saunders ( http://www.georgesaundersbooks.com/ )

Down through the ages, a traditional form has evolved for this type of speech, which is: Some old fart, his best years behind him, who, over the course of his life, has made a series of dreadful mistakes (that would be me), gives heartfelt advice to a group of shining, energetic young people, with all of their best years ahead of them (that would be you).

And I intend to respect that tradition.

Now, one useful thing you can do with an old person, in addition to borrowing money from them, or asking them to do one of their old-time “dances,” so you can watch, while laughing, is ask: “Looking back, what do you regret?”  And they’ll tell you.  Sometimes, as you know, they’ll tell you even if you haven’t asked.  Sometimes, even when you’ve specifically requested they not tell you, they’ll tell you.

So: What do I regret?  Being poor from time to time?  Not really.  Working terrible jobs, like “knuckle-puller in a slaughterhouse?”  (And don’t even ASK what that entails.)  No.  I don’t regret that.  Skinny-dipping in a river in Sumatra, a little buzzed, and looking up and seeing like 300 monkeys sitting on a pipeline, pooping down into the river, the river in which I was swimming, with my mouth open, naked?  And getting deathly ill afterwards, and staying sick for the next seven months?  Not so much.

Do I regret the occasional humiliation?  Like once, playing hockey in front of a big crowd, including this girl I really liked, I somehow managed, while falling and emitting this weird whooping noise, to score on my own goalie, while also sending my stick flying into the crowd, nearly hitting that girl?  No.  I don’t even regret that.

But here’s something I do regret:

In seventh grade, this new kid joined our class.  In the interest of confidentiality, her Convocation Speech name will be “ELLEN.”  ELLEN was small, shy.  She wore these blue cat’s-eye glasses that, at the time, only old ladies wore.  When nervous, which was pretty much always, she had a habit of taking a strand of hair into her mouth and chewing on it.

So she came to our school and our neighborhood, and was mostly ignored, occasionally teased (“Your hair taste good?” – that sort of thing).  I could see this hurt her.  I still remember the way she’d look after such an insult: eyes cast down, a little gut-kicked, as if, having just been reminded of her place in things, she was trying, as much as possible, to disappear.  After awhile she’d drift away, hair-strand still in her mouth.  At home, I imagined, after school, her mother would say, you know: “How was your day, sweetie?” and she’d say, “Oh, fine.”  And her mother would say, “Making any friends?” and she’d go, “Sure, lots.”

Sometimes I’d see her hanging around alone in her front yard, as if afraid to leave it.

And then – they moved.  That was it.  No tragedy, no big final hazing.

One day she was there, next day she wasn’t.

End of story.

Now, why do I regret that?  Why, forty-two years later, am I still thinking about it?  Relative to most of the other kids, I was actually pretty nice to her.  I never said an unkind word to her.  In fact, I sometimes even (mildly) defended her.

But still.  It bothers me.

So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it:

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.

Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly.  Reservedly.  Mildly.

Or, to look at it from the other end of the telescope:  Who, in your life, do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth?

Those who were kindest to you, I bet.

It’s a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but I’d say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than: Try to be kinder.

Now, the million-dollar question:  What’s our problem?  Why aren’t we kinder?

Here’s what I think:

Each of us is born with a series of built-in confusions that are probably somehow Darwinian.  These are:

(1) we’re central to the universe (that is, our personal story is the main and most interesting story, the only story, really);

(2) we’re separate from the universe (there’s US and then, out there, all that other junk – dogs and swing-sets, and the State of Nebraska and low-hanging clouds and, you know, other people), and

(3) we’re permanent (death is real, o.k., sure – for you, but not for me).

Now, we don’t really believe these things – intellectually we know better – but we believe them viscerally, and live by them, and they cause us to prioritize our own needs over the needs of others, even though what we really want, in our hearts, is to be less selfish, more aware of what’s actually happening in the present moment, more open, and more loving.

So, the second million-dollar question:  How might we DO this?  How might we become more loving, more open, less selfish, more present, less delusional, etc., etc?

Well, yes, good question.

Unfortunately, I only have three minutes left.

So let me just say this.  There are ways.  You already know that because, in your life, there have been High Kindness periods and Low Kindness periods, and you know what inclined you toward the former and away from the latter.  Education is good; immersing ourselves in a work of art: good; prayer is good; meditation’s good; a frank talk with a dear friend;  establishing ourselves in some kind of spiritual tradition – recognizing that there have been countless really smart people before us who have asked these same questions and left behind answers for us.

Because kindness, it turns out, is hard – it starts out all rainbows and puppy dogs, and expands to include…well,everything.

One thing in our favor:  some of this “becoming kinder” happens naturally, with age.  It might be a simple matter of attrition:  as we get older, we come to see how useless it is to be selfish – how illogical, really.  We come to love other people and are thereby counter-instructed in our own centrality.  We get our butts kicked by real life, and people come to our defense, and help us, and we learn that we’re not separate, and don’t want to be.  We see people near and dear to us dropping away, and are gradually convinced that maybe we too will drop away (someday, a long time from now).

Most people, as they age, become less selfish and more loving.  I think this is true.  The great Syracuse poet, Hayden Carruth, said, in a poem written near the end of his life, that he was “mostly Love, now.”

And so, a prediction, and my heartfelt wish for you: as you get older, your self will diminish and you will grow in love.  YOU will gradually be replaced by LOVE.   If you have kids, that will be a huge moment in your process of self-diminishment.  You really won’t care what happens to YOU, as long as they benefit.  That’s one reason your parents are so proud and happy today.  One of their fondest dreams has come true: you have accomplished something difficult and tangible that has enlarged you as a person and will make your life better, from here on in, forever.

Congratulations, by the way.  When young, we’re anxious – understandably – to find out if we’ve got what it takes.  Can we succeed?  Can we build a viable life for ourselves?  But you – in particular you, of this generation – may have noticed a certain cyclical quality to ambition.  You do well in high-school, in hopes of getting into a good college, so you can do well in the good college, in the hopes of getting a good job, so you can do well in the good job so you can….

And this is actually O.K.  If we’re going to become kinder, that process has to include taking ourselves seriously – as doers, as accomplishers, as dreamers.  We have to do that, to be our best selves.

Still, accomplishment is unreliable.  “Succeeding,” whatever that might mean to you, is hard, and the need to do so constantly renews itself (success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it), and there’s the very real danger that “succeeding” will take up your whole life, while the big questions go untended.

So, quick, end-of-speech advice: Since, according to me, your life is going to be a gradual process of becoming kinder and more loving: Hurry up.  Speed it along.  Start right now.  There’s a confusion in each of us, a sickness, really: selfishness.  But there’s also a cure.  So be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf – seek out the most efficacious anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life.

Do all the other things, the ambitious things – travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers (after first having it tested for monkey poop) – but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness.  Do those things that incline you toward the big questions, and avoid the things that would reduce you and make you trivial.  That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality – your soul, if you will – is as bright and shining as any that has ever been.  Bright as Shakespeare’s, bright as Gandhi’s, bright as Mother Theresa’s.  Clear away everything that keeps you separate from this secret luminous place.  Believe it exists, come to know it better, nurture it, share its fruits tirelessly.

And someday, in 80 years, when you’re 100, and I’m 134, and we’re both so kind and loving we’re nearly unbearable, drop me a line, let me know how your life has been.  I hope you will say: It has been so wonderful.

Congratulations, Class of 2013.

I wish you great happiness, all the luck in the world, and a beautiful summer.

George Saunders