Life in Small Bites

Wisdom from Gerald Rogers, author, transformational leader, speaker, mentor and coach

Below are 20 wise marriage tips from a man that was recently divorced. You wouldn’t normally think that a divorced man would give good advice on being a husband, but this man has been through enough hardship to know what is worth fighting for:

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

By Dr. Jeff Alexander, international personal development trainer and speaker, and one of my favorite people and friend.

***

When faced with intense emotional and mental challenges, it is important to have a key to unlock your prison of suffering. So let’s start with a true story.

Many years ago in India, the streets host many religious celebrations that often happened in the open market place. People dancing and parades of holy men lead the giant, beautifully adorned, sacred elephants down the narrow streets. These elephants were draped in golden blankets laden with jewels and bangles. These were very sacred parades with the elephants playing an important role at each event. A problem began to grow with the vendors who sold their food on the sides of the street. Many villagers faced a serious problem with these giant holy elephants as they lumbered down the street during the parade.

Because of the narrow streets and the size of the elephants, it was rather easy for the trunk of the elephant to sample the food along the path. It almost seemed like the trunk of each elephant had it’s own agenda independent from the elephant’s main purpose for the parade. The trunk would just grab a bunch of bananas as it took a few steps down the street, and when finished, would simply wander over to the other side of the road and snatch whatever was within range.

Once the elephants became aware of this unexpected treat as they paraded down the road, it grew into a real problem. How do you stop an animal weighing several tons from snatching your food? And to make it even more of a challenge, these animals were considered sacred and part of the holy event. Still, the villagers complained to the high priest that these sacred elephants were depleting their livelihood and it needed to stop.

So, the holy men got together, prayed and came up with a solution. They created a holy staff. A staff about three feet in length, wrapped in gold cloth adorned with a few jewels was now offered to each elephant before the parade began. And each elephant trunk gently wrapped itself around this holy staff. The elephant was trained to carry the staff in front of it’s head as part of the new ritual. The elephant was able to travel down the road as intended and the wandering trunk now had something to keep it occupied. The trunk had something to do instead of wandering all over seeking gratification. The holy staff idea worked and all the villagers and vendors were relieved that the problem was solved. It is still used to this day.

Have you ever started off your day with the intention of marching down your road of life and then your mind kicks in? And no matter where or what you are doing, the mind seems to take on its own agenda. Just like that elephant trunk, if the mind does not have something to do, it will go on autopilot and wander off to whatever it is programmed to go after. Unfortunately, the mind doesn’t always go after resourceful thoughts and often leaves the host suffering with self induced mind clutter. I want to offer you a holy staff for the mind.

Like the wandering elephant trunk, minds like to have something to do. When you have to focus on what is in front of you it is important to use your will to be attentive to the matter at hand. If life is coming at you from all directions consider trying this simple act until it becomes part of your thought process. At a time when you must break away from the false identity of the ego, it seems to pull you in even deeper and suffering could result.

I introduced this very short technique at the last Leap of Faith. I do it daily when finding myself lost in the parade of thoughts with a mind going in directions I don’t want. I give the mind a holy staff and pull it back on course. The goal is to use your mind and not be used by your mind.

When stimulated by an unpleasant events, feelings or thoughts, try the following. It is intended to center you and get you back into power and focus. Your outside world may not change but your inner world will soon become more peaceful and centered. From this place you are better able to take appropriate action. You begin to realize that you are more than the feelings that are being stimulated. You are more than the thoughts, which are nothing but energy packets of stories moving through the brain. You are more than the body, which is fed life energy from Spirit not the mind. Many yogis and holy men use a similar technique to “dis-identify” with the material world and tap into the infinite spiritual world.

Here is what you do.

1– Notice the Thoughts – The moment you just watch the thoughts in your head, you detach from them. For most of us, we tend to not just think the thoughts, we literally become the thoughts. This is where reality becomes false and suffering is the result. When you distance yourself from the movies in your head and just watch, notice, or observe them, you take the first step out of suffering. The Buddha said, “The way out of suffering is detachment.” Do not judge your thoughts, make them wrong, or try to stop them. Just become a witness and notice. Know that what is happening in your head comes from a place that was created long ago and has nothing to do with this moment. This is called witness consciousness.

2 – Notice the Feelings in the Body – Same as the thoughts, just notice where in the body you are reacting to the thoughts and your environment or condition. Notice if they feel contracted and tight or open and free. Notice where it is located – usually in the heart, stomach and throat area. Just become a witness and know that your body is doing what it is supposed to do. It is informing you about how it feels about what you are thinking and what is happening in front of you. Though you might feel pain and discomfort, by noticing them, you begin to distance from them and not be so victimized by the sensation in the body.

3- Throw the Breath – This technique goes back thousands of years and was taught by the Yogis of India. The breath is the cord that ties the invisible soul to the visible body. Inspiration of the breath, which comes from Spirit, is key to shifting your attention from the body onto your true self. Because you are tied to the sensations and thoughts of the body, you identify with them. At a time when you need to identify with Spirit, especially during confrontation, the breath becomes a conscious act of directing ones attention down the right path.

It is the only event of the body that is both involuntary andvoluntary. For example, your kidneys work involuntarily on their own without your attention. You can’t speed them up or slow them down with your thoughts. Your breath on the other hand is done involuntarily most of your day. You breathe and don’t have to have any conscious attention on it. Like your kidneys, the lungs just take in and let out air without your direction. But at will, you can alter your own breath whenever you want. You can take in a deep breath, or breathe shallow or rapidly by just consciously choosing to do so. So breathing also comes under voluntary control by willing it so.

After noticing the thoughts for a brief moment, notice the feelings in the body. Then direct your attention on the breath. With one long, deep inhale, say to yourself, “Breathe in Spirit!”. This gives the mind a new thought to wrap around. When the lungs are full, say to yourself “Breathe out Ego” while exhaling with one short followed by a longer exhale until the lungs are empty. So, one short and one long exhale right after it in the same exhale. Repeat this three times in a row and notice the difference in the body.

Physiologically what is happening is that you are oxygenating the body by breathing in air at a time you need it the most. Most unconscious reaction to discomfort is accompanied with shallow breathing or holding the breath altogether. With air coming into the lungs, the blood moves through all the brain, muscles and organs. You are doing something in the midst of challenge. The mere fact that you are re-directing your thoughts and body to follow your will starts to shift your perspective. The nervous system calms, and clarity soon follows.

Then literally lean your upper body back into your spirit. The act of leaning back and away from the condition in your head and heart area, gives space between you and the event. Allow the negative thoughts and programing to simply pass through the space created by leaning back into spirit. Remember that you are the sky and not the dark clouds passing through the sky.

This technique will soon become automatic and part of the good programing of your subconscious. What would life be like if every time you had a negative thought and associated feelings, your awareness automatically reminded you to distance yourself from such destructive thinking and you leaned back into your spirit? Perceptions begin to change. You no longer become marinated by your thoughts and soon realize that what is happening in your head has nothing to do with reality.

Some call this liberation. I call it reuniting with your Warrior Spirit. Enjoy your holy staff and I know that you will have ample opportunities to apply it after reading these words.

By Dr. Eric Maisel, psychotherapist, teacher,coach, and author

• 1 Honor the Creative Process
• 2 Get Really Easy with Mistakes and Messes
• 3 Create in the Middle of Things
• 4 Crack Through Everyday Resistance
• 5 Get a Grip on Your Mind
• 6 Institute a Morning Creativity Practice
• 7 Expect Risks to Feel Risky
• 8 Err on the Side of Completing
• 9 Let Meaning Trump Mood
• 10 Get Smart About the Marketplace

1  Honor the Creative Process

The reality of process is that not everything you create will turn out well. You must accept this reality and learn the necessary dance of attachment and detachment. Maintain your dreams, desires, and ambitions for your creative work while at the same time accepting that only a percentage of what you attempt will prove successful!

2  Get Really Easy with Mistakes and Messes

All day long we’re supposed to get things right: pay our bills, pick up our kids, and so on. It is very hard to move from this everyday mindset to a creative mindset where huge mistakes and messes are permitted and even welcomed. You may understand in your mind that the creative process comes with mistakes and messes but you must accept this truth in your body!

3  Create in the Middle of Things

You may be telling yourself that you can’t create until your circumstances improve: until the in-laws leave, until the semester ends, until the kitchen renovation is completed. This way of thinking is a creativity killer. You must create now, right in the middle of your real life—and right in the middle of your real personality, with all of its light and shadows!

4  Crack Through Everyday Resistance

Because creating is at least a little bit harder and scarier than some other things we might choose to do, like turning on the television or surfing the net, we are often resistant to getting started. Learn how to crack through that everyday resistance by using a variety of simple and effective cognitive, existential and physical techniques.

5  Get a Grip on Your Mind

How you speak to yourself determines whether or not you will create. If you tell yourself that you have no talent, that you hate mistakes and messes, that you have no imagination, or that you’re too far behind and maybe even ruined, you won’t create. You must change and improve how you talk to yourself to have any shot at creating regularly and deeply.

6  Institute a Morning Creativity Practice

There are three important reasons to institute a morning creativity practice before your “real day” begins. First, you will be fresh. Second, you will be able to make use of the thinking your brain has been doing during the night. Third, you will be starting your day making some meaning. These are three great reasons to start each day creating!

7  Expect Risks to Feel Risky

Everyone pays lip service to the idea that they want to take some risks in the service of their creative life. Only they don’t want those risks to actually feel risky! As a creative person, you need more than intellectual permission to take risks, you need visceral permission. Start right now to embrace the fact that risks are bound to feel risky!

8  Err on the Side of Completing

Don’t abandon your creative work too soon. Even if you feel that you don’t know what you’re doing or where to go next with the work, try to stay with the process and get projects completed. Too many creatives start and stop and never experience finishing, showing, and selling. Try to err on the side of completing the projects you begin!

9  Let Meaning Trump Mood

Maybe you’re not in the mood to create. But is your mood really that important? Aren’t your meaning-making efforts more important than the mood you happen to find yourself in? Try to convince yourself that your creative efforts matter and that attending to them is more important than any transitory mood you may be experiencing.

10  Get Smart About the Marketplace

You support your creative efforts and advocate for the work you create by getting smart about the marketplace and by learning what actually works. You are not being supportive of your novel or your suite of paintings by refusing to get your hands dirty in the art marketplace. Be fearless here too—your work is counting on it!

“The rat racer’s illusion is that reaching some future destination will bring him lasting happiness; he does not recognize the significance of the journey. The hedonist’s illusion is that only the journey is important. The nihilist, having given up on both the destination and the journey, is disillusioned with life. The rat racer becomes a slave to the future; the hedonist, a slave to the moment; the nihilist, a slave to the past.

Attaining lasting happiness requires that we enjoy the journey on our way toward a destination we deem valuable. Happiness is not about making it to the peak of the mountain nor is it about climbing aimlessly around the mountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward the peak.”

–  from Tal Ben-Shahar’s model in his great book Happier.

Bangkok, Thailand:  Recently for several weeks in the early morning I had been using a pedestrian overpass to cross over a large boulevard.  At the far-end, squatting at the entrance to the down staircase, was a blind leper.   He had only nubs for fingers and toes.    The shirtless leper positioned himself there to request alms from the people crossing the overpass on their way to work.  He held the palms of his disfigured hands together in the gesture of a respectful ‘wai’.

Each morning before crossing the overpass I would take a 20-baht note (60 cents) from my money-clip in my pants pocket and slip the note into my shirt pocket for easy retrieval.   As I passed the leper I would drop the note into his cup cradled between his bent legs.  Too often I would drop my note and hurry past not giving him or myself any sense of connection.  Why?  Somewhere hidden in a foolish place in my psyche I suspect that there is a fear of being contaminated – not with his leprosy – but his tragic luck.

Walking down the stairs I felt a faint sliver of contentment in having done some small charitable act.

One morning with my readied 20-baht note in-hand I walked the length of the overpass and down the stairs without encountering the leper.   I repeated this exercise several times during the next two weeks and never again saw the man.

Thoughts that he was sick or had died persisted.  I wondered who was caring or cared for him.  What are the circumstances when a blind beggar with leprosy dies?  Is he simply discarded as if resolving an inconvenience? My thoughts included my sense of thankfulness for my own health and of my family members.   They also included unanswerable questions about why some are selected for lives of misery and others’ lives of privilege and plenty.  No epiphanies occurred – but a resounding confirmation of personal responsibility in acknowledging the privileges and contributing through service to those without.